So, you finally got to see those two pink lines. Maybe you’ve been waiting for months, maybe you’ve been waiting for years. But if you’re anything like me, you’ve seen those two pink lines before, yet you still don’t have a baby in your arms.
After my miscarriage, I knew once I finally got pregnant again that it would be hard. Of course, I didn’t exactly know what to expect because I hadn’t actually been through it yet. But nevertheless, I tried to prepare myself. I read blog after blog of moms sharing their experiences with pregnancy after loss, and I found each of them to be helpful in their own way. That is one of the two reasons I decided to share my own experiences with you all as well. The other reason being, I find writing to be rather therapeutic.
Every woman’s experience will be slightly different, but this is how it went for me. It was the day after Valentine’s Day, and I was a couple of days late. However, that’s not altogether unusual for me, especially since we had started trying to conceive again (I stress myself out wayyyyy too much at times, and it throws off my cycle). In January, I promised myself I wouldn’t buy anymore pregnancy tests. But here it was, February, and I was late. So I tested on one of the cheap-o tests I bought off Amazon because when you’re a compulsive test taker, you have to find a cheaper alternative.
And low and behold, it was positive. Because it was a cheap-o test, I went to the store to buy a couple more reliable tests, and sure enough… I was pregnant! Again…
Sooooo many emotions flooded down on me in those next few weeks.
- Disbelief – “Are there really TWO pink lines on that stick???” We had taken a break from trying. I didn’t even know what day I had ovulated on?! How in the world could I be pregnant???
- Fear – Then came the fear. Ohhh the fear. This pretty much the only emotion I was feeling for a couple of days straight, and it nearly paralyzed me completely.
- “Can I really handle going through with this again?”
- “What if this pregnancy ends up the same as my last?”
- “We should probably wait to tell people in case I miscarry again”
But I soon began to recognize those thoughts for what they were – The Enemy talking. In one of my blog posts I explain why bad things will always happen to good people. If you go back and read it, you’ll see how The Enemy capitalized on my fears of miscarriage with my first pregnancy… Well I wasn’t going to give him that opportunity again. I know that Christ’s perfect love for me casts out ALL fear. If I am walking closely beside Him, there is no room for fear. And I realized that no matter what happens, this baby deserves to be celebrated.
- Joy – That’s when I started feeling true joy for my baby. Of course I still have my fears because I am only human, and bringing a child into this world is NERVE-WRACKING, to say the least. But I allowed myself to go there. I allowed myself to talk about it, to get excited, to pick out baby names, to mentally design a nursery, to start a pregnancy journal. Because no matter what this baby deserved to be celebrated. This is the part where we decided to tell our family and close friends of the good news, even though we were technically still in “the danger zone”. We figured we could use all the prayers we could get.
- Anxiety – As our first appointment approached, I became increasingly more anxious, especially about having our first ultrasound. I think with any pregnancy, there’s always that fear that you’re not actually pregnant, and that it was all just a big fluke. But for pregnancy after loss, it’s even more so. However, we surrendered those anxieties over to Him, because no matter what, the Lord is our strength and we know that He is actively working for our GOOD. There were times where I literally had to remind myself of this fact every 5 min, and that’s okay. I am still in the process of creating a habit of surrender, and pregnancy after loss is just another opportunity for me to practice those skills. However, whenever I DID fully surrender those anxieties over to Him, trusting that He was working for my good, I was able to feel peace and comfort.
- Guilt – This one, like fear, comes and goes for me. It may be the most unexpected one out of this list, but it is very real. You see, I felt guilty for being pregnant again because I thought that meant my first baby had been replaced. Would I begin to forget about my baby? And if I forget, the rest of the world will surely forget. And then it will be like my first baby never existed. Guilt. But I am here to tell you that even though we never got to hold our first baby in our arms, that does not mean the hopes and dreams we had for him/her weren’t real. Because they were. Losing that baby taught me so much about myself. It brought me closer to my husband and to my Father in Heaven. It brought me a community of women that I never even knew existed, that I am SO grateful for. It brought light to the incredible support system of believers that my husband and I have. Losing our first baby was tragic, the worst thing I could have ever imagined, but God brought forth beauty from our ashes, and THAT will never be forgotten. I don’t feel guilty anymore because I know that it would be impossible for my husband and I to forget our first baby, and because I know that he/she is sitting at the foot of Jesus, watching over us every day.
Like I said, most of these emotions would come and go. Some days I might be absolutely elated about our baby’s existence. Other days I was wracked with fear, anxiety, and worry over what might happen. But by telling other people about my feelings of fear and sharing with them my joys, I was able to control my emotions a little bit better.
Nevertheless, this story DOES have a happy ending! Click on over to ___________ to read about how I got through the weeks leading up to my first ultrasound.