Many of you know my story, but for those that don’t here’s a little snippet…
My husband and I had been married for nearly a year, when we decided to start trying for a baby. Yes we were (are) young, but this has always been the dream and we felt we were (are) financially and emotionally ready enough to start trying. Well low and behold, God blessed us with two pink lines the very first month we started trying. We were a little shocked that it happened so quickly, but absolutely OVER THE MOON EXCITED for this new adventure ♥♥♥
We didn’t know much about the risks associated with the first trimester, and we were so excited that we told the world we were pregnant at 10 weeks… 1 week before our first ultrasound. Never imagining that I might be the 1 out of every 4 women to experience a miscarriage… At 11 weeks we found out we would likely miscarry, and at 14 weeks my body took care of it naturally.
You can read the full story of how I lost my baby here.
The following months were awful. At first, things seemed to be getting better week by week, our grief seemed to be fading. But looking back I think we were just suppressing it, which is never a good idea… After trying to get pregnant again month after month without success, the emotional toll started to wear on us. My body seemed to be working against me, because the more I stressed about getting pregnant again, the more unpredictable my cycles became.
Every month was a vicious cycle that left me in a pit of depression and anxiety.
Finally, I decided my body, and especially my heart, needed a rest. January had rolled around, a new year that looked nothing like we had hoped it would, and I decided to just SURRENDER everything I had to my Father in Heaven. For me, that literally meant adding “I will not purchase any pregnancy tests in January” to my list of goals that I write daily. I decided to do another 30 Days to Healthy Living program through Arbonne to focus on eating healthy, and in return start healing my body and soul.
**side note: I truly believe there is a direct correlation between the kinds of foods we eat and our emotions. Thus, the reason I turned to nutrition (and Jesus) in my darkest hour.
Every time anxiety started to creep in, which was at least 500 times a day in the beginning, I quoted scripture to myself – “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, and with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” -Phil. 4:6 (This verse was brought to my attention when I read Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado. It is an incredible book, and I highly recommend it!)
I presented my requests to God daily. I prayed fervently… asking (begging!) Him to give me peace with where I am at right now. I told Him I trusted Him with my life, that I was surrendering it all to Him. I was hoping that if I said it enough times, it would become true. I told Him that if he wanted me working somewhere else in this season of my life, I would do it. I just asked that he would point me in the right direction, and give me peace in this season of waiting.
Disclaimer: There was A LOT more struggle with surrender during this time than what I’m going into detail about. I was creating a habit of surrender, and everybody knows habits are absolutely NOT formed overnight.
And it turns out, surrender is all God was really asking of me***. I was clenching SO tightly to everything I had envisioned for my life, and mine and my husband’s lives together. After my miscarriage, it seemed like those dreams were being taken away from me so I clenched my fists and said “no, God!”, leaving Him absolutely no room to work in my life.
Have you ever heard the story of the little girl with the pearls?
No? Well here it goes…
There was once a little girl who would go to the grocery store with her Mommy every week, see these BEAUTIFUL strands of pearls at the checkout and beg her Mommy to buy them for her. Her Mommy, not seeing any true value in a plastic strand of pearls from the grocery store, always said “no” and told her she would have to earn the money to buy them for herself if she really wanted them that badly. So the little girl did. She did all sorts of odd jobs for people around her neighborhood, and weeks later she FINALLY had the money to buy the pearls for herself. The next week when she went to the store with her Mommy, she proudly handed over all of her quarters, nickels, and dimes to the cashier in exchange for her pearls. She was overjoyed! She went everywhere with her pearls. She wore them to church, to the park, to preschool, to grandma’s house, and even slept with them right beside her bed. One day, her Daddy said to her, “Sweetie, your pearls sure are tattered and worn. Won’t you give them to me?”
“But Daddy, I LOVE my pearls.”
And every night for months, the Daddy and daughter had this same conversation until one day the little girl pulled out her pearls and showed them to her Daddy. Her pearls were all completely shattered and there was no chance of repairing them. With sadness in her voice, she finally said, “Here Daddy, you can have my pearls now.”
Her Daddy said, “Thank you sweetie. I am so sorry your pearls have been ruined, but I have something for you….” and he pulled out a BRAND NEW strand of REAL pearls. They were white as snow, and oh so beautiful!
“I’ve had these pearls for you all along. All I wanted you to do was give me your old ones first.”
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I heard the story of the little girl with the pearls for the first time a few weeks after I decided to start my journey to surrender.
I am the little girl who loved her pearls so dearly. I didn’t want to surrender my pearls to my heavenly Father. I wanted to hold them and keep them safe forever. Little did I know that on the other side of my surrender, God would allow something NEW to be born.
You see, in that first month of intentional surrender, God blessed us with another baby to love and cherish.
We are OVERJOYED to announce our little rainbow baby will be arriving in October 2018.
Pregnancy after loss has brought it’s own set of challenges, but I will save that story for another post. For now, we are just working on surrendering this pregnancy and our child over to Him daily, because as parents, that’s the best thing we could ever do for our child. ♥
***I want to be clear that I am very aware of the challenges that so many women are facing with fertility. After my miscarriage, I was welcomed into a society of women I had no idea existed. Women who had experienced miscarriage, women dealing with unexplained infertility, women with PCOS or endometriosis, women who have been trying for years to get pregnant with no success… I do not want this post to minimize those struggles for any of you who are dealing with infertility. I know it’s not always as simple or as “easy” as surrendering your situation to God. Sometimes it is way more complicated than a change of heart. Miscarriage and infertility are hard. So hard. Being welcomed into this society of women who lean on each other for support has been the greatest blessing to me, even if it did come as a result of my biggest fear being realized. Please know that I pray daily for those of you who are struggling in these ways, and I will ALWAYS be a shoulder to cry on for whomever may need it.
Once an Angel Mama, always an Angel Mama. Baby Cloyd, you will never be forgotten ♥